i am the monster [entries|friends|calendar] argel P R O F I L A - A M I G A S - J O U R N A L E S - C A L E N D A R Y O - S U L A T [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

magicaaaaal [Friday October 23rd, 2009 at 1:42am] im just testing how my new phone is like blogging on the net. Shoot this is the coolest thing... Test test test. Its like i can write anything,anywhere, anytime!!!!!!! 0 || eat || edit

mystery. [Thursday October 15th, 2009 at 12:29am] i think the word bipolar was invented so i could define what unfolded today, i thought it was only in the movies or love-sick stories.. couldn't believe it was actually possible--to be in heaven and hell with the same person in a day. things can change in a day. it so so can change in a day.. not even a day..even hours, minutes, seconds. and now im left bewildered with a billion versions of what-how-where--but dominantly why. why this has happened, this should happen, this could happen. im thinking is it because of my self-issues, or his? or both of our issues antagonizing each other? what really is a relationship? relationshit? relate shits.. i don't know. i read once, the greatest test of a relationship is being able to withstand repressed issues with each other.. fixing them.. and committing together until the end. committing. commitment. commit. this is just the beginning..of that perpetual chain of emotional confinement..am i ready? pride--the undefinable, inexplicable. so simple, yet so daunting. if love is so great, why hasn't it overtaken my pride. im deeply inlove, but in deep shit about myself too. God talk to me. 0 || eat || edit

music-memory interface [Tuesday October 13th, 2009 at 1:03am] We don't intend to recall them.. to play their bitterness and sweet lessons.. its just that sometimes, some songs still remind us of some things.. no matter how obsolete they should have been.. 0 || eat || edit

Haaay.. [Tuesday September 29th, 2009 at 12:17am] You know that feeling where you just want to shout to the world all your frustrations in life but sooo many people look up to you that you can't--you just can't fail...that you are left with no choice but to be stronger than yourself. But today is just one of those rare times I need someone to be strong for me..some damn shoulder to cry on and for heaven's sake everybody's unavailable.. These are the times I miss Drew.. =( And you know those times when you just want to run..and run wild...not to escape the world...but to see who cares enough to follow you through....... Wala nag-eemo lang. Bukas na.. bukas na ko magtthink positive. 1 || eat || edit

weird day! x_x [Wednesday September 23rd, 2009 at 11:40pm] DAMN! So many things CAN CHANGE in a day.. so many interesting things happened today.. so many so many interesting things *_* This is the best thing about life--it is soo full of interesting uncertainties.. i love it ;) 0 || eat || edit

just an entry [Tuesday September 22nd, 2009 at 11:38pm] Many times we live today as if it were yesterday.. We need to realize we cannot control what has happened, or what can happen. We only have today, now, this present time.. and the best we can do is influence tomorrow. I figure, I feel peace everytime I savor the present moment. Such as typing this entry, listening to the room silence, blinding my eyes with the luminous screen of my laptop...thinking of nothing but typing this entry..... And by this very second I have disturbed that peace by replaying billions of thoughts--whats gonna happen tomorrow, why this happened today, what i did past months... Who really am I? Devoid of social debts, dictations and expectations... It's impossible to answer this..impossible to separate my identity from this damned world, I am intertwined with my environment's identity.. i cannot separate..can I? But dont get me wrong.. I am happy now.. I am just wondering and wandering... alot.. and its not a damned world by the way Am i making sense? I'm not.. as entitled, this is just an entry. a very surreal entry. haha.. im sleepy. 0 || eat || edit

Babblings of a weary soul.. [Saturday September 5th, 2009 at 1:59am] I was browsing over some stories and photos of people I admired with the use of various networking sites--facebook, friendster, multiply, even google and any virtual affiliation you can imagine. The funny thing is, I'm not really comparing myself, I was more of setting these people as my benchmark--in terms of looks, success and all other victories. Basically saying, I am twenty-two years old, I am happy with my life yet far from my ideal contentment. I deserve so much more, I am capable of so much more, I know that! But what's stopping me from hell achieving that glory? I am itching to stretch myself far beyond my expectations--I could make an effort to stay young and healthy, improve my mental capacity, focus on my strengths and propel myself financially, stuff like that. I just... I feel kind of sad that I don't get to maximize my potentials because of one thing--lack of DISCIPLINE.. or more than that, probably lack of a motivation so strong that discipline does not have to come so unnatural. And as I am nearing my birthday, I look back.. in the last twenty two years of my life, what have I achieved significantly so far? Have I been too focused on temporary pleasures.. too deviated from what should be essential.. whatnot. And for heaven's sake I am only going to live this life once, I am not getting younger.. maybe once and for all I should make the decision to uphold excellence in every aspect of my life--physical, social, mental, financial.. Not to say I have to be perfect, but excellent.. There's a far difference. Haha, and what's even funnier, in my frustration to look for that little secret to stay motivated--I could not sleep.. yes at this very moment, it's two o'clock in the morning and I'm still wide awake! 0 || eat || edit

[Tuesday July 28th, 2009 at 1:27am] You know funny thing is, its been four months since that incident happened. And what surprises me now is the fact that the memory of it still haunts me--i'm not completely appeased, or i have not totally moved on yet. I'm asking myself why? Have I not forgiven you after all this time? You have proven yourself time and again, haven't you? It puzzles me sometimes that this memory can move me to doubt your feelings after everything we've been through. I don't know if this is part of being a woman, if this is part of being inlove, or this is already my self-issues haunting me down. I just want to bring back the idea that--i know you did that not to intentionally hurt me (you were never such kind of person), but because you were too inlove with me you couldn't contain it thereby branching it to somebody else. You repeated over and over how you just played things with her. And I know that I should be believing of such fact--there were signs supporting such claim. For one, I had an album in your online account though trivial as it seems; second, I was always the picture in your phone; third i had all my messages flooded in your inbox; fourth you totally disconnected yourself with her when she strained our relationship; fifth you were going out with her to fill the void when i was away; sixth you pleaded for my return--you cried and i saw you hurt; seventh you made it up to me too many times already; eigth, you erased her comment to you; and i know, how would you afford to cheat on somebody like me? I'm beautiful, smart, funny and driven. It's not like she's anything better. So I am declaring all these BS in the hopes of understanding what I'm going through. My old self is telling me to make a big deal out of it. My growing conscience answers back that I have moved on.. so what? It's not like I'm going to marry you. Maybe I still feel the hurt because I felt so superior and suddenly you committed such crime. Something that made me feel really better--to quote from Sarah, "so what, you guys weren't committed at that time. He had all the freedom in the world to do what he wanted, same as you had yours. It would be sinful to do that now, you technically had no right to complain at what he did before." 0 || eat || edit

Thoughts.. [Sunday June 21st, 2009 at 10:15pm] Some funny thing happened the other day, I lost control and initiated a very controversial matter. The striking part of it is not the matter itself though but how such initiation was quietly rejected.. and it didn't feel good. Hahah. I felt soo--I don't know, impure? No, indecent? Blah. Which leads me to consider of a lot of things again.. I don't know why I am acting so indifferent, is it because I am looking for reasons once more to sabotage this relationship? If so, then I have not changed at all. But I want to change, and I want to give myself the chance to mature in this area of myself. So I am committing to this one, whatever happens, and will, with all effort improve all inconsistencies I have. Let me separate myself from my emotions, let me judge this circumstance rationally. Allow me to understand the cause of this reaction--why did I choose to behave that way? Is it because I consider him inferior to me that whatever he disagrees on rages me so bad? Or perhaps I just don't like the feeling of being rejected because it salts the wounds I had from my father (who always rejected me as a kid). Or am I just magnifying his petty mistakes so I could limit my feelings--so that I would not fall deeper--so I could spare myself of any hurt if ever time of parting comes? Maybe its these reasons altogether. I am still a commitment phobic. All I am hoping is that he would be able to endure my uncommon behaviors, that he would always seek to understand, that he would possess the faith that someday, I will be inlove with him truly. I am willing to grow myself, I don't want my repressed issues to control my relationships completely. I hope to find the answers soon. 0 || eat || edit

[Tuesday May 5th, 2009 at 11:35pm] I stand here in front of you, stripped of all excuses and apprehensions, holding deeply something that matters the world to me. . you. Please see through me. Beneath all fearlessness, behind every wall I had against you, is the undisclosed truth that I am weak. . with you, for you, about you. I tried to stand firm against the currents of your attraction, even desired to distance myself from your grip. But my heart can only take so much. . and so allow me to cut all the denial and admit upfront that I, your princess, am madly inlove with you. So strong that I want to possess you, to have you for me selfishly, unconditionally, and dear I have had the hardest time of my life controlling such eagerness. I finally understand then when they say that love is like losing yourself. . that I wake up in a world where all that makes sense is needing you, wanting you, being with you. . . And if you just ask me again if I can be yours, I'd sweetly return you a Yes. 0 || eat || edit

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